99 Days Before Christmas

It's been a while since I smiled this much. I knew in my heart that my birth month was going to be beautiful. But truth be told, it was more than I expected it to be. (This is going to be a very long entry.)

Just like in every person's birthday, the celebrant gets to wish something for his/her birthday. I only had one wish... I want to be happy. But happiness won't come to me gift-wrapped and all, I have to work for it. I then staring re-assessing my current state. Why do I want to be happy? Am I not happy enough with what I have? Where should I start? What should I do? Who do I turn to? As you can I see I did a lot of questioning. Not all were directly answered but I knew I needed to do something. I needed to move.

"You may be currently in your valley of tears but do not make it your permanent residence." -Randy of Makati Feast

Move. I was stagnant for the past few months. I thought that I deserve where I was. Always looking behind and never to move forward. Or maybe it was more of scared to move forward. I knew I didn't want to let go of the things that gave meaning to my life. I didn't want to forget. But eventually, I figured that no one told me that I have to totally let go or forget about everything. My past is part of me but it does not mean I should stay there and let it define me. I can still grow as a person and in order to grow, I need to move.

(a) I finally opened my own time deposit account! Just now? It's because I actually have no idea where to invest my money. So even if it's just a TD account, I'm still proud of myself. If you know a good business where I can invest or seminars about stocks, trust or funds which I can attend, just let me know. PS. No pyramid scams please.

"When we are dreaming alone it is only a dream. When we are dreaming with others, it is the beginning of reality."- Dom Helder Camara

Dream. When you have a supportive family like mine, you can't help but get excited for your future as well. I've been very vocal to my parents about my business proposal way back in high school. Dreams aren't supposed to be dreams forever. And so I started telling them about my plans of putting up my own coffee shop. On our way home from work, Papa and I would discuss the essential things we need to consider for the business. It's good to have someone to remind you of reality when you're being to idealistic. Thanks, Papa.

(b) Parents and I went to the Food Expo last Sept 10. I'm so grateful they brought me there. It felt like I'm one step closer to my dreams. I had a plastic full of flyers, brochures with quotations of equipments, supplies and raw materials. I got so excited that I bought a binder and notebook for all my stuff. I haven't started fixing it though. But I promise to work on it before the month (October) ends.

Color. I've been getting comments that I always wear black or dark colors. I have reasons why I wear black all the time. Colored dresses attract a lot of attention. And my normal mood won't suit if I were pastel colors. And yet I got bothered after opening my closet, almost half of my clothes were either black, brown or gray.

(c) I did a bold move last August. I bought 3 colorful, floral dresses from this really nice boutique. I was like Mama's walking doll. Changing from one dress to another, God knows how tiring that was. So happy to have a mother who doesn't give up on me that easily.

21 years old at 99 Days Before Christmas 2010.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - The Click Five from Smart RichMedia on Vimeo.

My birthday itself was filled with a lot of good memories.

(1) 12:00am My bestfriends, Pia and Anya, greeted me on the dot. Apparently, their messages made me cry.

(2) I was also with my officemates, Kevin and John, who were kind enough to wait for my parent to pick me up at 1:30am. Tamang ghost stories lang ng birthday ko.

(3) Days before, I received a homemade cupcake from Cathy and a cup of my favorite Jollibee ice cream from Anjo. Pinatataba niyo ata ako e.

(4) On the way to the office, Papa led our morning prayer this time. I was teary-eyed. It's really different when someone you love sincerely prays for you.

(5) Lunch date with my favorite Kambal (Jeff and Jon), Mel and Hello Kitty at Shanghai Bistro. I didn't know Hello Kitty's Chinese. And new discovery, Jon doesn't like milk.

(6) I was reading this novel at Powerbooks. Girl asks guy why do God let things happen to us. Guy: "We cannot fully understand God's plan for us. But we just have to believe." - or was somewhat written that way. Then I saw a very pretty pink rose in front of what I was reading. I turned around and found Kirae. :)

Manila Ocean Park with Kirae. It was her first time, while it was my fourth. But even if I've been there every year, I was still as excited as her. And we had the most amazing tour atHotel H20. Curiosity does bring you to places. We were just exploring the whole place when we met Kuya Remus. Kuya Remus, the gym instructor, was kind enough to accommodate and tour us around. We even got the chance to see one of the rooms. The suite was amazing! More fish tanks and Foot spa. Ang sarap ng tawa ni Kirae sa Foot spa.

(7) "When you thank God for the suffering that come your way, they become blessings for you." - Homily at Greenbelt Chapel

(8) Dinner at Dulcinea Greenbelt 5 (1?) with Andrew and Kirae. I love this couple. They're so cute!

(9) Prayer meeting and second dinner with Lingkod at McDo, E.Rod.

(10) 300+ greetings on FB from grade school, high school, college, BLD youth, family and friends!!! Tried thanking everyone who greeted me. Ang hirap pala. Some of the messages even made my heart skip a beat.

(11) Day after, bonding with College barkada (Anya, Drew and Ela). They surprised me by treating me to movie. Akala ko Despicable Me, yun pala Phobia 2. Disclaimer: I'm a scaredy cat so I left in the middle of the movie. I hated them for that but I'm happy we got to talk over coffee. Dinner at Teriyaki Boy.

Thank you, Annie, for the Chocolate Caramel Cake from Cravings. Thank you for introducing Bruno Mars to me. And yes, Drew, I missed receiving chocolates. Thank you for the huge Toblerone. Hindi ko parin ubos.

(12) Overnight with Little Ms. Artist. Thank you, darling for bearing with me. I love your artwork. Next time, portrait ko na ah! And if I'm more confident with my body, pag-isipan ko ang semi-nude. (As if that's going to happen!)

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what will you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your and what amazes with joy and gratitude. Fall in love. Stay in love, and it will decide everything." - Fr. Arrupe, SJ

Love. Parents celebrated their 30th Wedding anniversary last September 20. Even though I lost faith in that area already, I still thank God for blessing people with this kind of union. I can truly attest that they're still very much in love with each other. Aren't they the cutest? (I know a lot of the BLDYouth members love them.)

"Ang sarap maging Atenista!"

Victory. Watched the finals (fourth quarter 8 minutes on the clock) together with some Atenean-Chinabankers at Commons. (Though I only knew two from the group, Abu and Rhon.) Nonetheless, closing my birth month with a victory was definitely sweet!!! Congratulations, Ateneo Blue Eagles 2010!

"Smiles are the languages of love."

Smile. Have I told you? It's been a while since I smiled this much. I think I did. I'd like to think that God gave me my miracle because I'm happy right now. I just hope that this isn't fleeting. And when I'm more stable, I want to share my smile to others.

Smiling, Rica Gran

PS. Will post more pictures next time.

Loved

Have you ever felt so embarrassed and ashamed to the point that the only thing you want to do is to just disappear? And any form of goodness is something you cannot bear accepting. Yet despite this feeling of unworthiness, you still find yourself in the midst of the people who continue to love you.

This is what I'm experiencing right now, an unconditional love that is too surreal to believe.

I acknowledge that I am only human. Causing people pain was, is and will never be my intention because I, for one, have experienced getting hurt. But as much as I try not to hurt or disappoint anyone, I always end up doing so. Just the mere thought of being found out scares me. What if they won't understand and instead despise me even more? Thus, my way of coping is to just keep it to myself than to hurt other people. And the fact that I hurt people cause me greater pain especially if they are those people who I really love.

A guilty and regretful heart is never enough to compensate for all the wrongdoing. And if Karma's revenge is to let me feel double the pain, there is nothing I can do but to concede to it. Even if my mind wants to fight back, I just hold back and do nothing. This, in a way, is how I thought would fix things.

But I underestimate that unconditional love my God has for me. Friends and family never left my side. Disappointed? Yes. But despite the fact that I've hurt them, I cannot understand why they continue to love and care for someone like me. As I continue to deny them thinking that I don't deserve any of that love they're giving me, the more these people show in their small gestures that I am forgiven and will never be alone. They saw me at my worst. Home visits and phone calls were a regular thing, just to make sure I was okay. They took me to places where the only things which overflowed were laughter and good food. Simple notes, prayers and text messages to remind me that everything is going to be fine. All of these things made me realize how blessed I really am. I was preoccupied with myself that I have already forgotten all about these wonderful things.

"Find in your heart to forgive yourself." This was a big challenge to me. I was too hard on myself, but by doing this I somehow disregard the feelings of those people who never left my side. It was a time for me to let go and continue with my life. This is what I am doing right now. Little by little, I am releasing myself from all the hurts. A the same time, I receive with arms wide open all the love and support I can get from my family and friends.

I feel blessed to have my family and friends. I have a family who loves and cares for me, who listens to what I say and don't want to say, and who is willing to fight for me even if I did not ask anything from them. I have my friends who know what my strengths and weaknesses are, who give me a good dose of both love and tough love,who know the difference between enough and too much, and who are smart enough to know what is right from not.

To all these amazing people,
Please forgive me for all the pain I caused you and for taking you for granted.
Thank you for the love and care that you unconditionally gave me.
Bear in mind that I'm here for you as well, and I love you.

When was the last time you felt loved?

in-love ~ Rica Gran

P.S. I, personally, hate fights. Think whatever you want, but I seriously never wished anyone terrible. Nor did I wish anyone to experience what I've been going through. And if you happen to find yourself in the same situation sooner or later, find strength in God and the people you love. I hope you have an amazing and wonderful family and friends like mine. :D

Is God a Killjoy?

Is God a killjoy?

I've been asking the same question ever since. Pondering whether my actions are of God's will or I'm just thinking of myself. So if you're having the same dilemma and you want to be enlightened, go grab a copy of this month's Kerygma magazine. It's available in all leading bookstores. Read and Be blessed!

Adrian and I are on the cover.

I'm super happy that I get to share this experience with one of close friends in community. Adrian is a good friend of mine and a very reliable co-head in the Liturgical Ministry. During the photoshoot, I was really anxious yet he would just smile and laugh with(at) me every time I did something silly. The whole mood inside the studio was simply light.

This will also be my Photo of the Week (or maybe month. :P).

Personal Message:

Adrian - Thank you for bearing with me, partner. I miss the good old days, but I'm really happy that God is using you mightily now in your new ministry.




Blessed ~ Rica Gran

Sembreak 2009.1

Last sembreak? *Crossed-fingers* Hopefully, this will be the last for my first course. I'm still thinking whether to pursue another college degree after Economics. It's actually my mom's fault why I'm having second thoughts of studying again. She never fails to include it in our conversations. She has always been vocal with regards to her wish for me to take accounting after graduation. Studying in another university didn't appeal to me. I tried opening up to her about my plans of studying abroad but she refuses. I approximately have six months to re-consider her offer. *thinks hard* Then I realize, I am suppose to talk about my sembreak. Sorry about the leeway, back to Rica's sembreak 2009.

First Week
October 19-22
Aside from planning for our Evsem that coming weekend, I practically didn't do anything productive that week. I just cleaned my room, fixed my messy table, discarded unwanted things/tests/handouts from my first semester subjects (I did file some important things though) and created this blog. But that's just about it. Over-all, I had the luxury of sleeping for more than 12 hours, pig out without worrying about having a big tummy and just do nothing.

October 23-25
After a week of not seeing anyone from Ateneo (except for Angelo who visited about thrice that week), I was able to see them again. It was one crazy weekend for me. See previous post.

Second Week
October 26-28

Bonding with Angelo. (26) He paid me a short visit before going to his weekly badminton practice. (27) We also enlisted together at my place since he's having difficulties with their internet at home. He brought meatball porridge for the whole family to share. (28) Knowing how poor he is with directions, I accompanied him in giving letters to Phil. Orthopedic Center and National Children's Hospital regarding the blood drive for Kythe Week next year. We also worked on my nephew's costume for Halloween. He wanted to dress up as Micheal Jackson.

Micheal Jackson!

Little MJ! Who's bad?

Isn't he adorable? I think he was able to carry it well. Congrats, Essel!

October 29
Anya and I had our semestral bonding before we get harassed because of thesis. We watched Bruno (Goodness, I don't want to watch that movie again.) and made chickas (as usual). I'm so proud of my DL thesis partner! Good luck to us. Thank you for bringing lots of food. Sa uulitin.

October 30
Shopping with Mama is love. Shopped for clothes and more clothes.
Let me share to you why I love shopping for clothes. When I was younger, I was never used to shopping for my own clothes. I only get to buy some during my birthday and Christmas. My closet was practically full of hand-me-down clothes from my cousins. But that was never an issue to me. Everything was the same until I entered college. Since Ateneo didn't have uniforms, I was pressured by the thought of wearing the same clothes in less than two weeks. Mama was indeed my savior that time. She would spend so much (and I've never imagined her spending that much) just for my clothes. Mama has her reasons for buying me clothes now that I'm in college. She says that I'm in the process of establishing who "Rica Gran Flores" is. Aside from shaping my inner self, I should also be mindful of how I look and dress. People I meet don't always get to see the real "me" but only a reflection of who I really am. And she would always remind me, "Minsan ka lang dalaga, i-enjoy mo na." Which I frankly agree. I don't dig the latest fashion. I prefer plain black, white, red and brown tops. Don't get me wrong, I'm not choosy. I'll wear whatever it is as long as it looks nice on me. Oh my love for clothes!

I know, this entry was a bit boring. Sorry. I'll post another one maybe two days from now. I'll try to make it more entertaining.

Enjoying her sembreak ~ Rica Gran