Have you ever felt so embarrassed and ashamed to the point that the only thing you want to do is to just disappear? And any form of goodness is something you cannot bear accepting. Yet despite this feeling of unworthiness, you still find yourself in the midst of the people who continue to love you.
This is what I'm experiencing right now, an unconditional love that is too surreal to believe.
I acknowledge that I am only human. Causing people pain was, is and will never be my intention because I, for one, have experienced getting hurt. But as much as I try not to hurt or disappoint anyone, I always end up doing so. Just the mere thought of being found out scares me. What if they won't understand and instead despise me even more? Thus, my way of coping is to just keep it to myself than to hurt other people. And the fact that I hurt people cause me greater pain especially if they are those people who I really love.
A guilty and regretful heart is never enough to compensate for all the wrongdoing. And if Karma's revenge is to let me feel double the pain, there is nothing I can do but to concede to it. Even if my mind wants to fight back, I just hold back and do nothing. This, in a way, is how I thought would fix things.
But I underestimate that unconditional love my God has for me. Friends and family never left my side. Disappointed? Yes. But despite the fact that I've hurt them, I cannot understand why they continue to love and care for someone like me. As I continue to deny them thinking that I don't deserve any of that love they're giving me, the more these people show in their small gestures that I am forgiven and will never be alone. They saw me at my worst. Home visits and phone calls were a regular thing, just to make sure I was okay. They took me to places where the only things which overflowed were laughter and good food. Simple notes, prayers and text messages to remind me that everything is going to be fine. All of these things made me realize how blessed I really am. I was preoccupied with myself that I have already forgotten all about these wonderful things.
"Find in your heart to forgive yourself." This was a big challenge to me. I was too hard on myself, but by doing this I somehow disregard the feelings of those people who never left my side. It was a time for me to let go and continue with my life. This is what I am doing right now. Little by little, I am releasing myself from all the hurts. A the same time, I receive with arms wide open all the love and support I can get from my family and friends.
I feel blessed to have my family and friends. I have a family who loves and cares for me, who listens to what I say and don't want to say, and who is willing to fight for me even if I did not ask anything from them. I have my friends who know what my strengths and weaknesses are, who give me a good dose of both love and tough love,who know the difference between enough and too much, and who are smart enough to know what is right from not.
To all these amazing people,
Please forgive me for all the pain I caused you and for taking you for granted.
Thank you for the love and care that you unconditionally gave me.
Bear in mind that I'm here for you as well, and I love you.
When was the last time you felt loved?
in-love ~ Rica Gran
P.S. I, personally, hate fights. Think whatever you want, but I seriously never wished anyone terrible. Nor did I wish anyone to experience what I've been going through. And if you happen to find yourself in the same situation sooner or later, find strength in God and the people you love. I hope you have an amazing and wonderful family and friends like mine. :D
This is what I'm experiencing right now, an unconditional love that is too surreal to believe.
I acknowledge that I am only human. Causing people pain was, is and will never be my intention because I, for one, have experienced getting hurt. But as much as I try not to hurt or disappoint anyone, I always end up doing so. Just the mere thought of being found out scares me. What if they won't understand and instead despise me even more? Thus, my way of coping is to just keep it to myself than to hurt other people. And the fact that I hurt people cause me greater pain especially if they are those people who I really love.
A guilty and regretful heart is never enough to compensate for all the wrongdoing. And if Karma's revenge is to let me feel double the pain, there is nothing I can do but to concede to it. Even if my mind wants to fight back, I just hold back and do nothing. This, in a way, is how I thought would fix things.
But I underestimate that unconditional love my God has for me. Friends and family never left my side. Disappointed? Yes. But despite the fact that I've hurt them, I cannot understand why they continue to love and care for someone like me. As I continue to deny them thinking that I don't deserve any of that love they're giving me, the more these people show in their small gestures that I am forgiven and will never be alone. They saw me at my worst. Home visits and phone calls were a regular thing, just to make sure I was okay. They took me to places where the only things which overflowed were laughter and good food. Simple notes, prayers and text messages to remind me that everything is going to be fine. All of these things made me realize how blessed I really am. I was preoccupied with myself that I have already forgotten all about these wonderful things.
"Find in your heart to forgive yourself." This was a big challenge to me. I was too hard on myself, but by doing this I somehow disregard the feelings of those people who never left my side. It was a time for me to let go and continue with my life. This is what I am doing right now. Little by little, I am releasing myself from all the hurts. A the same time, I receive with arms wide open all the love and support I can get from my family and friends.
I feel blessed to have my family and friends. I have a family who loves and cares for me, who listens to what I say and don't want to say, and who is willing to fight for me even if I did not ask anything from them. I have my friends who know what my strengths and weaknesses are, who give me a good dose of both love and tough love,who know the difference between enough and too much, and who are smart enough to know what is right from not.
To all these amazing people,
Please forgive me for all the pain I caused you and for taking you for granted.
Thank you for the love and care that you unconditionally gave me.
Bear in mind that I'm here for you as well, and I love you.
When was the last time you felt loved?
in-love ~ Rica Gran
P.S. I, personally, hate fights. Think whatever you want, but I seriously never wished anyone terrible. Nor did I wish anyone to experience what I've been going through. And if you happen to find yourself in the same situation sooner or later, find strength in God and the people you love. I hope you have an amazing and wonderful family and friends like mine. :D
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